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Various themes and questions that come up in therapy and (some) answers

...in no particular order



** UNDER CONSTRUCTION **
Check back on March 1, 2022 for the 'Read more' text for the topics below



Importance of having multiple roles and multiple sources of meaning

The more roles we play in life (friend, teacher, partner, parent...) and the more sources of meaning we have (important relationships, work, hobbies, volunteer activities), the more protected we are when we encounter difficulties, hardships and challenging life transitions. Read more here...


Primary and Secondary Emotions

There are many types of categorizations of emotions. Within emotion-focused therapy, there is an important distinction between a primary emotion and a secondary emotion. Primary emotion is the emotion we feel in response to some event or situation. Secondary emotion is the emotional reaction to the primary emotion itself. Why is this distinction important and how can it help us manage our emotions? Read more here...


How Should I feel?

Have you ever asked yourself this question, perhaps in a complicated, painful or confusing interpersonal situation? Or has a friend asked you that question?
What does it tell us about our emotional (and cognitive) state when we are not sure how we should feel? And is this question even meaningful? Read more here...


Re-Appraisal and its Discontents

If you have read about, or used, cognitive therapy, you are familiar with the concept of 're-appraisal'. It refers to re-interpreting (re-appraising) a situation or an event in a way that induces a different emotional reaction than the initial reaction we had. For example, if you fail an exam, your initial reaction might be a catastrophizing thought, such as "I will flunk out of school". But upon reflection, and re-appraisal of the situation, you realize that while it's not great news that you failed an exam, it is not the end of the world, you won't flunk out of school, but you will have to work harder for the rest of the semester, and maybe get some extra help. Read more here...


Uncertainty and Uncertainty Tolerance

All of us have at times experienced moments of uncertainty, or even longer periods of feeling uncertain about something: a situation we find ourselves in (“Should I change jobs?” “Is it time to give up on a difficult relationship?” “Would I be happier if I moved?”), or a decision to make (“Should I go to college A or B?” “Should I get married to my partner now or wait a while?”). Depending on the situation or the decision, and many other things, the feeling of uncertainty may cause some level stress, or even anxiety. Read more here...


A Common Emotion Confound:
‘Feeling’ the Emotion and ‘Expressing or Acting’ on the Emotion Are Not the Same Thing

We have the right to feel our emotions. This is true.
But have you ever been in a situation where someone is angry at you, perhaps even says harsh words or even yells at you, and when you protest, you are told that this person has the right to their emotions? Or have you ever expressed anger towards someone, and when they protested, you countered with having the right to have your emotions? Read more here...


Decision Making

Most of us have experienced situations where we were faced with a major life decision but became ‘stuck’, unable to choose an option, perhaps experiencing pressure from others, who would be impacted by our decision. There are no easy or simple solutions to such situations, but examining our assumptions about the decision-making process itself may be helpful. Read more here...


Gratitude? Yes, but perhaps not at first

The concept of gratitude is very popular these days. Gratitude lists and gratitude practices are important components of positive psychology approaches to therapy. Many self-help books encourage us to start or end our day with a list of things for which we are grateful. And there is an increasing body of research exploring exactly how to approach gratitude practices so they bring the desired outcomes. Read more here...


Self-Compassion is Not Self-Indulgence

Self-compassion is everywhere these days. It’s the latest ‘fashion’ in psychotherapy, in the self-help books and in personal growth and development. It is an important concept, and one that is easily misunderstood. Some people instantaneously reject it, because it seems synonymous with self-indulgence, laziness and general lack of motivation. The inner dialog goes something like this: “If I am compassionate to myself, I will spend the rest of my days sitting on my sofa and eating doritos.” Read more here...


Acceptance vs. Resignation

You have probably encountered the notion of acceptance. Perhaps in therapy (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), or philosophy (Stoicism, Buddhism and mindfulness). Perhaps you have heard the advice to accept your emotions or to accept a difficult situation. And it likely seems at best counterintuitive, and at worse useless or even mildly cruel. How could accepting a painful emotion be helpful? Or a difficult situation? And doesn’t acceptance imply you are giving up, or, worse, willing for the distressing emotion or situation to last indefinitely? But acceptance is not the same as resignation. Far from it. Read more here...


Too Much Empathy?

How could there be such a thing as too much empathy? Empathy is the fundamental ingredient of love and compassion. It is the basis of spiritual practices such as the Buddhist metta (loving kindness) meditation, and a foundational concept of some religions (Christianity), at least theoretically. So is there such a thing as too much empathy? Identifying with another person’s perspective to such an extent that we forget some of our own basic needs? But what could possibly be wrong with putting another person’s needs above our own? Wouldn’t prioritizing our needs mean that we are being narcissistic? Read more here...


Emotional vs Rational

You’ve probably heard this many times – the alleged dichotomy between being rational, versus being emotional. The implication being that the former is clearly more desirable, and being called ‘emotional’ is generally considered a put down. But is this in fact an accurate dichotomy? Or would ‘emotional AND rational’ be a better way to describe the complexity of cognition and emotion interactions? Read more here...